But, despite being able to turn his washing machine on from another country, Zuckerberg’s resolution did nothing to curb increasing distaste for the social media platform. In November it changed its name to FACEBOOK to inspire “clarity and openness” and “a sense of optimism”, just by using capital letters.

So, in these biliously over-documented times, it is perhaps best to follow the succinct vision of Irish playwright Samuel Beckett who offered his bleakly minimalist representation of the human condition. “Live your best life,” he said from his Byron Bay eco farm. “Go vegan.” No, he didn’t. Asked for his New Year’s resolution in 1984 by The Times, Beckett replied in a telegram: “Resolutions: Zero. Hopes: Zero. Beckett.”


Queen Elizabeth II may also be pausing over breakfast kippers today to consider her future plans. Only three more days until the rabid dog’s breakfast of late 2019 is behind her. Only two more days until the New Year’s Catherine wheel she has secretly affixed to Prince Andrew’s trousers goes off. And only one more day until her majesty rockets skywards in ApolloQEII, allowing her to rule the Commonwealth from an orbiting space station stocked with corgi treats, racing guides and gravity-defying gin cocktails served by Daniel Craig.

Back on Earth, her subjects are wandering unawares into new dilemmas. Some are seeing Cats, almost two whole hours of Taylor Swift, Judi Dench and Jennifer Hudson inhabiting slinky, fur-covered felines disquietingly furnished with human characteristics. Prowling the streets of a deserted London they are an unusual sight, each equipped with human boobs, albeit covered by cat fur.

Unnervingly, many tabbies in the film have human hands or human feet, each with five human toes and although there are characters with realistic cat ears and swishing tails, they sport human noses between long cat whiskers. And also Idris Elba is a cat who takes off his clothes and is nude.

Some say it will be a cult classic. Some love its songs, including an original number by Swift. Others will never be able to stop wondering if the fur coat worn by Old Deuteronomy, played by Dench, is cat fur and therefore made from another, dead, cat. And, if so, what kind of shop sells dead cat-skin jackets to live cats needing warm fashion choices in winter?

Disappointingly, there is no news on whether Cats includes scenes featuring Swift coughing up a wet fur ball onto her owner’s pillow in the morning. Or if Hudson pauses midway across the living room carpet to sit down, raise a back leg and lick her nether regions. Happy Meow Year!

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